Presidential nominee turned fugitive

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By Jack Hudson

Satire

For the next eight years, the man we all know and love, who won our hearts during the election, will be banning all muslims from this land, carrying out mass deportations of illegal immigrants and building a great wall along our southern border (It’s looking more like a big fence nowadays, but nonetheless, still effective). Most importantly, he will be locking up crooked Hillary for all of her lies and scandals , but once election results were in, she took to the streets, fleeing Trump’s bounty hunters.

This past Tuesday, Chuck Norris, the former Walker Texas Ranger, was named to the cabinet  to hunt down and capture the once presidential nominee turned fugitive. Other members of the task force include Duck Dynasty star Willie Robertson, Mike Tyson, Kid Rock and every Cracker Barrel patron in the continental United States.

“We know she left Washington sometime after the election,” Norris said. “This is exactly what President Trump had in mind when he said ‘drain the swamp.’ With Mike’s left hook, Kid Rock’s awesome vocals, Willie’s tracking skills and my martial arts, I am confident we will catch her and bring her to justice.”

The group left Washington early Wednesday morning, following a trail of emails the former Democratic nominee left behind. It had been last reported that she joined a New York gang of angsty teens, still trying to appeal to the younger generation even after the election. If you listen closely, you can still hear her talking about how much she loves Snapchat.

Once the search party arrived in New York, there was no sign of her anywhere. Although the smell of her hairspray still lingered throughout the city, Willie Robertson, the duck dynasty star could not track her stench.

“In all honesty, I have never tracked or done anything remotely like this,” Robertson said. “A&E just found me and told me to grow this beard.”

Back at the White House, things were not looking much better. Since the polls prior to the election had assured the Clintons of their victory, they had already started moving in. Bill refuses to leave the oval office, constantly playing the saxophone, smoking but not inhaling marijuana and not having sexual relations with that woman.

Having no luck tracking Mrs. Clinton, Chuck Norris began looking elsewhere for clues. Rumors were circling that an old man, known for his rousing speeches and dandruff on his shoulders, has the exact coordinates of the former Secretary of State. The senator was brought in for questioning later that week.

“You’ll never get it out of me,” Sanders said. “I didn’t break when I was arrested in 63’ and I’m not going to now. You’ll have to string me up by my ear hair to get me to talk, and I just trimmed them so you’re out of luck.”

Since he was of no use, Sanders was sent back to his nursing home in Vermont. It was the day of the inauguration, and Norris was going to have to break the news to President Trump. He knew he wasn’t going to take it well.

“I do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the Office of President of the United States,” Trump repeated. “And will to the best of my ability, preserve…” suddenly the soon to be President was interrupted by a tap on his shoulder.

The whole crowd went silent as Chuck Norris began to break the news to the President Elect. Hearing these words of failure, the group of die hard Trump supporters who still do not know who Paul Ryan is, went berserk.

“I had no problems with him not paying taxes, his sexual assault allegations, or his bankruptcies,” one man said. “I didn’t even have a problem with Trump University where he stole thousands of dollars from people claiming to teach his real estate skills. I was even okay with him saying he was going to put a temporary ban on all muslims, but this is too much. If he can’t catch that crooked Hillary, what can he do?”

Suddenly, the mob that had gathered to view the inauguration started to charge the stage. The President elect was thrown into a hidden passageway by the Secret Service

Weeks after the fiasco, the President is still not safe when in public, and President Obama has been forced to fill in for the time being until the nation has calmed down. Hillary Clinton is still nowhere to be found, and the future of the nation is uncertain.

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