The perfect prom formula

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The perfect prom formula

The Southerner

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(April Fools Satire)

Prom expert John Rives displays confident poise and posture.

Prom expert John Rives displays confident poise and posture.

Prom is fast approaching. Renowned for its ability to bring students and teachers together in a fun, out of school setting, prom is the defining social event of American high schools everywhere. Amid the awkward promposals and party planning, many students face daunting questions.

Junior Ben Bizot is one of these students. He does not have a date and wants to know how to find one, what to wear, what the history of Grady prom is and if prom is even worth the trouble. The answers to these questions may seem to range from difficult to grasp to impossible to understand, but prom expert (and Economics and Statistics teacher) John Rives has the answers.

What were your prom experiences?

My high school days’ proms were spectacular. We even had the world famous Bo Diddley play at one. It was lots of fun. I always had very fun dates, and it was always held at a very nice facility.

What was the best past Grady prom?

Grady has always been really fun. We’ve had some spectacular places where we’ve had the prom, including the zoo. Mr. Pilson does a spectacular job with preparing it. He has the venue at the Twelve Hotel, which is going to be great. The Twelve Hotel is right next to the W Hotel, so it should be a lot of fun.

What do you think of the theme?

What is the theme?

A Midsummer Knight’s Dream

Oooh spectacular. Obviously, Mr. McCurdy had lots of input there, and it is always great to dance to hip-hop with a Shakespeare theme.

How should Bizot ask a date?

He should use his math skills to try to impress a prospective date. When he calls her, he shouldn’t emphasize the limo, what he really wants to emphasize is his skills on graphing calculators and laptops. Those things are great. Girls LOVE to talk about vectors, polar coordinates and trig identities. That always puts you over the top with a very gorgeous young lady.

Ben is afraid of girls. How does he break the ice?

Oh, you break the ice with a trig identity, always works.

Does it?


Should the math theme extend to his tuxedo?

I think we should stick with the basic red or beige tuxedo with a colorful tie. The tuxedo is not nearly as critical as your dance steps. So, Mr. Bizot doesn’t need to worry about the tuxedo, he can just coordinate the color with his date’s formal dress.

Are you a cumberbund or vest man?

Vest all the way. It makes you look so much more stylish.


Do you anticipate any behaviour issues at prom?

No, the students always are relatively well behaved. We know students don’t have any after parties, so I can’t comment on anything about that, but at prom they have had a good time, and they have enjoyed themselves without doing anything to besmirch the Grady reputation.

Will you be joining us on the dance floor?

No, I did that several years ago, and it didn’t work out well, so I suspect I will stand there as a dignified chaperone, and not participate in trying to do any dabbing.

Why did your past experience not work out well?

I couldn’t find a consistent partner.

Your trigonometry didn’t work?

No, I was trying to dance with other members of the faculty. They just weren’t nearly as vivacious as I was.

Despite all this helpful advice, some students, including Bizot, are not sure they want to attend prom. To these students, Rives says:

“I want to encourage everybody to use their math skills to get themselves a very attractive date, and to come with a date, and they’ll have a grand time. I don’t think any student should miss the prom, even if they come with a group. It’s always a fun event, and it’s something you will remember for a long time after high school is over.”

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