As this year comes to a close, students bustle through the halls in anticipation of the long-awaited break and new year. As the seasons change and families come together, I can’t help but feel a sense of emptiness alongside my exhilaration for the holidays.
This past July, I lost my father to an unexpected heart attack. My initial reaction was shock, followed by a series of panic attacks in car rides, at home and in public, which thankfully, I am now rid of. Everybody deals with loss and grief differently, but personally, I felt it best to attempt a return to normalcy. I kept the very fact that it happened a secret, telling only those I trusted most.
As time went on and the school year began, not a single soul knew what I had been through just a month before. Day after day, the ache diminished into the back of my mind, with more pressing and urgent matters being rushed into my system. Grades. Extracurriculars. Social life. Despite my desire to be a regular student again, I still find myself reminiscing over the past and imagining an impossible future. Every accomplishment, milestone and step I take in life will all be without my father. While our relationship has always had its complexities, the words left unsaid between us and an inability to know I made him proud is as infuriating as it is painful.
In elementary school, my fondest memories of being with my father included obscure activities like sorting coins and building rockets, made all the more special by the rarity of joyful moments with my father. Now, as a high school student, the feeling of giddiness and joy while getting ready for high school dances like homecoming and pre-debutante cotillion transport me back to the fifth grade, preparing to dance the night away with my dad at the daddy-daughter dance. The fact that I will never be able to show my father my dress again is still a hard pill to swallow. An uneasy feeling arises in my stomach just thinking about how much of my life he will miss. From my graduation, to walking me down the aisle, or even something as simple as getting my first car, I won’t be able to share these moments with my dad.
I thought I would have a lifetime to mend the relationship between my father and I, and hoped that one day I would be able to understand how he became who he was. Now at age 15, my biggest regret is that I wasn’t able to fulfill the promise I made to myself, to repair the relationship I once had with my dad.
My teachers, peers and even some friends are still completely unaware of what happened. I did this in order to ensure there would be no pity; I wanted to maintain as much of a sense of normalcy as possible.
I realize now that my attempts to stay “regular” have only made it harder on myself and those around me. The loss of my father has taught me the importance of being able to move on and persevere but also how crucial it is to recognize that reeling from a loss is not something to be taken lightly. In my experience, becoming open about the subject instead of hiding it allowed me to come to terms with what occurred and gave me the ability and strength to move forward.
However, the difficulty and confusion that came with losing my father are all still present today. Recalling every laugh, fight and memory with my father all made me realize how important our relationship was to me. In retrospect, I should’ve made my relationship with my father a priority. Time is so precious and something that many of us take for granted. The loss of my father allowed me to understand the importance of resolving issues with those you love before you lose the chance. The memories you are able to create with your loved ones, good or bad, are all a luxury, a luxury I no longer have with my father.
This year, I will be spending my first Christmas without my dad, and many more celebrations to come. I’ll never be able to see my father again, but this loss has driven me to dedicate my life to becoming a person my father would be proud of and to value the relationships with the people I do see. Don’t make the same mistake I did. Fix the relationships with your friends and loved ones because they can truly slip away in a heartbeat.
