Satire

Many Grady students enjoy going to local businesses after school to unwind, relax, and most importantly, eat. But lately, some students’ free time has been interrupted by something they thought they left far behind- middle schoolers.

“I mean, everything’s fine until about 4:15,” sophomore Jonah Swetland said. “But then the middle schoolers get there, and the whole place starts reeking of B.O., hormones, and destruction.”

The middle school releases at 4:05, and ten minutes is just enough time for the hordes of frenzied students to Naruto-run down Virginia Avenue to businesses in the area adjacent to Grady.

“Yeah, they’re pretty annoying,” senior Harriet Richmond, a barista at Starbucks, said. “The other day, one of them ordered a Venti unicorn frappuccino, but they didn’t know how much money they had, so they pushed the wad of cash onto the counter and made me count it. Worst of all, the kid didn’t have enough money to pay for the drink, but by the time I was done the drink was already made, and the child had taken a bunch of selfies with it with the dog filter on Snapchat.”

Witnesses report that the middle schoolers gather in clumps in the middle of the storefront, touch their iPhones together to make a pentagram, and scream in unison. 

“I was just trying to get a cold brew the other day,” Grady parent Helen Roberts said. “I ordered, and then went to pick up my drink, but the crowd was so thick that I couldn’t get to the pick-up stand. I asked a seventh-grader to move, but then she stuck her scrunchie in my face and I passed out. I woke up in the middle of the field at Piedmont Park two hours later, smelling faintly of Cheetos.”

When the aforementioned seventh-grader, Kayleigh Johnson, was interviewed, she had no recollection of the incident. 

“I mean, all I remember was this wack older lady,” Johnson said. “I was listening to Billie Eilish on my AirPods, so I couldn’t really focus on anything else other than that and scrolling through TikTok.”

Many Grady students wonder why the middle schoolers have ventured to the Midtown Promenade area.

“I wish they’d go back to the central Virginia Highlands area, where Yogli Mogli and that gas station are,” said Swetland. “I’m absolutely terrified of these kids.”

However, the businesses in the area don’t welcome the patronage.

“Oh god, I’m so happy they’re gone,” Yogli Mogli store manager Peter Mellinger said. “They’d take those small yogurt sample cups and fill them up over and over again and spill them until you couldn’t see the floor- just yogurt. Every day, the lines would be out the door and into the parking lot, causing traffic accidents. And it’s not what you’re thinking- the cars didn’t hit the kids, the kids hit the cars.”

The middle schoolers have caused a general ruckus in the entire surrounding area, but there’s no reason to be worried- their principal has an idea.

“We’re just going to keep them in school year-round. 24/7, 365. I ran the numbers, and we’ll lose on average seven staff members a day, but to save the neighborhood, that’s a price that the school’s willing to pay.”