Man found squished inside Grady locker

The Southerner

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(April Fool’s Satire)

Forty-two-year-old Eustace Stubbs was discovered inside a sophomore’s locker on the C200 floor Friday evening. The student, who asked that she remain anonymous, says she was traumatized by her discovery.

“I wasn’t able to get into my locker until last week,” she said. “My combination was wrong. When I finally figured out how to open it, I found this gross old man inside!”

Eustace Stubbs, who was once a Grady student, said that he had no control over his situation.

“In September of ‘91, Mike Gray stuffed me in here,” Stubbs said. “For 22 years, the only light these eyes saw came from my first edition TI calculator.”

Stubbs, a level 72 dragon whisperer [read dweeb] once spent his free time creating a scale replica of the Pentagon from 3 mm toothpicks.

Stubbs never had the opportunity to finish his junior year at Grady, but will continue his education where he left off. He hopes to graduate in 2018, and is ecstatic to rejoin Grady’s learning community, citing science labs as his favorite part of school.

“I just can’t wait to start class again,” Stubbs said. “My heart palpitates every time I think about graphs!”

Stubbs fondly remembers his time as a Grady student.

“My best pal Eugene and I used to always occupy the first and second seats of the front row in class,” Stubbs said. “We were so cool. Everyone always used to laugh at our jokes. Sometimes they even laughed when we weren’t making jokes!”

Stubbs then began laughing and snorting uncontrollably, and had to be quickly calmed before his asthma attacked.

Grady alum Erica Swan, who Eustace cites as one of his “most familiar companions” from high school, spoke to his many quirks.

“I remember Eustace,” 1992 Grady graduate Erica Swan said. “He was so geeky. I am almost completely certain that he memorized the first one million digits of pi.”

When pressed about this feat, Stubbs said that although he “obviously and definitely knew each decimal point by heart”, he “felt a leg cramp arising” and was thus unable to recite the number.

Stubbs’ former chemistry teacher Amelia Stone, who retired in 1997, remembers Stubbs as a ‘very enthusiastic’ student.

“Eustace always used to finish my sentences,” Stone said. “It was pretty annoying, actually. I told him I’d kick him out of atom club if he didn’t stop.”

Stubbs recognizes that his survival was no small miracle. He has been rationing off the lunch his mother packed for him on the morning of that fateful day in 1991.

“I was getting a little concerned about food, to be honest,” Stubbs said as he applied his nasal medicine. “All I have left are the peeled apple wedges, the baloney sandwich without crust and 14 raisins.”

Stubbs plans to walk across Monroe to “purchase the first dairy-free milkshake he can find” as soon as the pollen count lowers. Until then, he’ll stay in the locker he’s come to call home.

“I think I’ll just leave him in there,” the sophomore who found Stubbs said before slamming her locker door and imprisoning him for an undetermined amount of time.

Gray, who is currently in prison for stealing money from his “dorky” boss, was unavailable for comment.

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